They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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