i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
