sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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