Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
