Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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