If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The beer is more important than you right now.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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