the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
