Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
