you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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