pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
