Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
