I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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