Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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