Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
