my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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