Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
