I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
