I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
