actually, I'm a sock model
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
