mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
