I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
