On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
