There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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