I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
