I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
