i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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