me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
