i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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