I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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