I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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