oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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