Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
