I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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