She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
