dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
