Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
