I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
