Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
