Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
