you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Pants are for mortals
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
