omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
