i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
