i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
