Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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