Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
