Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
