It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
