He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Randomize
