Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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