Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
