Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
worst night to have a conscience
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
